plague in russia, again. not the usual one where every tv host is foaming about nato weather weapons, but the actual black death, the one that wiped out half of europe before russia even had toilets. this time it hits a lab worker at the akkursk “plague control institute.” you cant make this up. the only thing more russian than catching the plague in a plague lab is the hospital going into lockdown and the aluminum plant next door making everyone mask up like its covid, except this bug doesnt care about your telegram channel.
medieval bugs, modern incompetence
almost 200 people under observation, five hospitals locked down, and the local authorities are probably blaming the cia, the gays, or ukrainian pigeons. the rest of the world is just watching, popcorn in hand, as the country that cant keep a washing machine from “falling” into a trench tries to contain a disease that once deleted half of europe. the only thing spreading faster than the bacteria is the cope on russian state tv.
but lets not pretend this is new. russia has a proud tradition of playing with things that kill you and then acting shocked when it all goes sideways. remember the soviet “biopreparat” program? forty thousand people, five institutes, and a mission to make bugs that could survive a nuclear winter and still ruin your day. the us shut down its bioweapons program in the 70s, but the soviets just kept cooking up new plagues. the only thing they ever caught up to was their own incompetence.
case in point: sverdlovsk, 1979. some tech pulls out a clogged air filter, forgets to sign the log, next shift fires up the spore dryer with no filter. sixty-eight dead, and the world doesnt even find out until yeltsin finally admits it in the 90s. if you think they destroyed all those pathogens after the ussr collapsed, i got a bridge in crimea to sell you.
bioweapons, dead hands, and deadlier clowns
russia has been playing with bioweapons for fifty years, and the only thing more dangerous than their germs is their safety culture. chemical weapons at least fade away, but biological ones? they dont care if youre russian, ukrainian, or just unlucky downwind. theyll kill everyone, and the regime will just blame “foreign agents” and slap a fresh coat of paint on the lab.
and while we’re talking doomsday toys, lets not forget “perimeter” – the dead hand system. the ultimate “if i cant have it, nobody can” button. if the kremlin gets vaporized, the system launches every nuke at europe and the us, no questions asked. its like dr. strangelove but with more mold and less irony. the only thing scarier than the system is the fact that the same people who cant keep the plague in a test tube are in charge of it.
meanwhile, the russian military is keeping up its tradition of friendly fire. mi-8 helicopter shot down by a su-35 over voronezh, both hunting ukrainian drones. pilots dead, z-bloggers spinning it as “deconfliction” and “ukrainian victory.” ukraine’s drones keep making regular visits to russian airfields and oil refineries, lighting up the night sky and the kremlin’s insurance premiums. volgograd’s refinery is basically a recurring bonfire, and every time russia patches it up, ukraine sends another batch of “firepoint one” drones to remind them who’s running the airshow.
logistics, meat grinders, and the russian dream
logistics? dont even get me started. russia’s losing 20-30 trucks a day just trying to keep their occupation running, and their air defense systems are dropping like flies. every time a panzer s2 gets smoked, some general in moscow has to explain to putin why the “second army of the world” cant keep a convoy alive for more than a week. the only thing moving faster than russian trucks is the rate at which their soldiers are surrendering or, in some cases, drinking their own piss because their commanders bailed. not a joke, thats a pow testimony. the russian dream: a lada that starts, a neighbor poorer than you, and a canteen full of your own urine.
on the front, its the same meat grinder as always. russia throws hundreds of guys at ukrainian positions every day, and the only thing they get in return is a starring role in the next “birds of magyar” drone highlight reel. theyve been trying to take doperbila all year and have made less progress than a russian five-year plan. every time they try to outflank sloviansk or kramatorsk, they lose more men than they can conscript. blackbird group says russia lost 190 square kilometers in september alone. thats not a counteroffensive, thats a clearance sale.
meanwhile, ukraine’s not just holding the line, theyre flipping the script. after russia lost access to starlink in february, ukraine started pumping out drones like its a cottage industry. now theyre taking back more ground than theyre losing, and every russian pow gets a choice: sit in a camp, help rebuild, join the russian volunteer corps, or go home in a swap. not exactly the “liberation” the kremlin promised.
kaboom economy and the propaganda olympics
back in russia, things arent looking much better. ammo plant outside moscow goes boom, seven dead, building collapsed. no, ukraine didnt do it, russia just cant keep their own factories from exploding. maybe if they spent less time threatening the planet every tuesday and more time on workplace safety, they wouldnt have to keep importing north korean shells.
and while all this is going on, russia’s still trying to terrorize kyiv with drone strikes, hitting bridges and schools like its going to make anyone surrender. spoiler: it just makes traffic worse and pushes more classrooms underground. zelensky’s out here visiting kids in bomb shelters, handing out high-fives and hope, while russian state tv is busy explaining why bombing a kindergarten is “denazification.” the only thing more unhinged than their military strategy is their propaganda.
speaking of which, lets talk about the mesh repeaters russia’s sneaking into kyiv. these little signal towers help guide drones to their targets, and ukraine’s playing whack-a-mole trying to find them in a city full of radio noise. its like a bad episode of “spy vs. spy,” except the stakes are actual lives and the russians are about as subtle as a bear in a ballet.
the only thing spreading faster than the bacteria is the cope on russian state tv
and while the regime’s busy threatening diplomats and warning foreigners to stay out of ukraine (translation: “we might kill you and call it an accident”), the real action is in the oil market. the new york times says the us and russia are talking about a multi-billion dollar lukoil deal, with trump-world cronies and russian oligarchs lining up to cash in. sanctions? only if they can be used as a bargaining chip to get more money for the right people. the kremlin gets cash to keep the war going, trump’s buddies get oil fields, and the rest of us get to watch the world’s dumbest reality show play out in real time.
europe wakes up, russia exports excuses
meanwhile, europe’s waking up. switzerland’s dropping $162 million on ukraine recovery projects, germany’s sending $1.46 billion in aid and drones, and everyone’s racing to get as much support to ukraine as possible before the next round of elections. because if russia’s puppet parties take over in germany, france, or the uk, it’s going to get a lot harder to keep the lights on in kyiv. but hey, at least the russians won’t have to worry about exporting anything except excuses and refugees.
and through it all, russia keeps bombing schools, trying to wipe out a generation and call it “special military operation.” ukrainian kids are learning math underground, and the only thing the kremlin’s managed to denazify is their own future. the regime’s biggest export isn’t oil, it’s excuses for why nothing ever gets better except the number of graves.
so yeah, the plague is back in russia. maybe it never really left. whether it’s in a test tube, a propaganda broadcast, or a trench outside bakhmut, the real infection is the system that keeps making the same mistakes and calling it victory. the rest of us just get to watch, laugh, and hope the only thing that spreads out of russia this year is more memes and less bacteria.
russian state tv: we are a superpower. russian hospitals: please stop licking the petri dish.
