What is Creativity?
This seems like a simple question to answer, but I'm not sure I've ever fully understood it. When I was young I was frequently told I was creative; but I never felt that was true. I always associate creativity with coming up with something new or something coming from a different angle. When I make something it is frequently analytical in nature. And maybe that's a form of creativity. Maybe the act of creation is itself creativity. But lately, I feel like I've struggled to do even that.
Consumption Inhibiting Creativity?
I've spent most of the last decade mindlessly consuming content on social media. I struggle with type II bipolar disorder and so I frequently try to escape myself through consuming what others create. It takes less energy to consume than to create something new, and my depressive episodes last much longer than my hypomanic ones. I think at one point I was also more driven than I am now. I burned out at some point in my late teens and could never quite regain that spark. I'd see it in glimpses during my first two years of college, but a severely toxic relationship set me back. So into another depressive episode I went. I spent years once again mindlessly consuming content on social media or escaping through Pathfinder 2e and League of Legends. Any time I think to create, its a constant battle with chronic fatigue and pain and the desire to consume because it is easier.
Rusty Hinges and Imposter Syndrome
Every so often I am filled with the urge to create. But I never know what to create. Its hard to generate excitement for things the way I used to. I feel like a stranger in my own body. And when I do think of something I'd like to create, I struggle to imagine. I struggle to put words to the page. I struggle to believe anything I say will bring value to the conversation. But apparently creativity is a skill like any other. Its been so long since I've created anything new. But, movement is the best way to flake off the rust. So I'm going to start putting stuff out there. It will be garbage, but it will be my garbage. Hopefully at some point I'll stop thinking its garbage; but for now I'll just write for the sake of writing. And maybe at some point in the process I can rediscover what I love.
