The Unholy Metric Menace: Why God-Fearing Americans Must Reject the Devil's Units
(created by Claude.ai)
My fellow patriots and defenders of the One True Measurement System, lend me your ears! We face a grave threat to our American way of life, one that seeks to undermine the very foundations of our great nation. I speak, of course, of the insidious metric system.
This abomination, born from the godless minds of French revolutionaries, is nothing short of a direct assault on our Christian values and imperial heritage. Let us examine the sordid history of this decimal demon and why every God-fearing American must stand against it.
The Unholy Origins
It was in the year of our Lord 1799 that the metric system first reared its ugly head. As France descended into the chaos of its so-called "enlightenment," a cabal of heretical scientists and mathematicians conspired to overthrow not just their king, but the divine order of measurements itself!
These godless intellectuals, drunk on the wine of reason and atheism, dared to suggest that our Lord's perfect creation could be divided into neat little powers of ten. Have they no shame? Have they no respect for the holy mysteries of the universe?
The Imperial Truth
We, the chosen people of the New World, know better. Our system of measurement, inherited from the great British Empire, is clearly ordained by God Himself. How else can one explain the perfect logic of 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, and 1,760 yards in a mile? It is a system so complex and beautiful that it could only have been designed by divine intelligence.
The metric heretics would have us believe that water freezes at 0 degrees and boils at 100. But we know the truth – water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit and boils at 212, as the Almighty intended!
The Communist Connection
It's no coincidence that the metric system found favor among the godless communists of the 20th century. Like their French forebears, these red menaces sought to strip away all vestiges of tradition and faith, replacing them with cold, soulless numbers.
Is it any wonder that nations which have embraced the metric system have fallen into moral decay? From the wine-soaked streets of Paris to the vodka-drenched alleys of Moscow, we see the fruits of metrical madness!
Conclusion: Standing Firm for Freedom
My fellow Americans, we must stand firm against this decimal despotism. Every inch we cede to the metric system is an inch stolen from our children's future. Every pound we convert to kilograms is a pound of flesh carved from the body of liberty.
Let us raise our cups (filled with exactly 16 fluid ounces of freedom) and toast to the continued reign of feet, pounds, and degrees Fahrenheit! For in these units, we find not just measurement, but the very essence of American exceptionalism.
Remember, a kilometer is just a millimeter away from a kill-o-meter. Choose life. Choose imperial. Choose America!
