Russian TV is out here hyping up the Houthis’ 100km blitz like it’s the second coming of Guderian, but let’s be real, the only thing “blitz” about this is how fast they copy-pasted the press release from Tehran. You’d think the vatniks just watched the moon landing live, the way they’re drooling over a bunch of guys in flip-flops taking a port while half the world was busy doomscrolling. Strategic port, Perim Island, Bab-el-Mandeb choke point, blah blah - suddenly every Z-channel is a maritime expert, and every Telegram admin is drawing arrows on maps like they’re planning D-Day. Meanwhile, the only thing Russia’s blitzing is the local vodka supply and the last working elevator in Moscow.
Let’s break down the cope. The Houthis, Iran’s favorite proxy LARP squad, did a 100km dash through Yemen and snatched up the port of Al-Mokha and Perim Island. Now, if you listen to Russian state media, this is proof that “the West is weak,” “the multipolar world is here,” and “soon Crimea will be liberated by a coalition of barefoot revolutionaries and Iranian drones.” Never mind that the only thing Russia’s own army has managed to capture in the last year is a pile of washing machines and a few more kilometers of mud. But hey, why win your own wars when you can live vicariously through someone else’s proxy?
The real comedy is how fast the Kremlin’s propaganda machine jumps on any non-Western military success like it’s their own. Houthis take a port? Suddenly it’s “our guys.” Iran’s proxies fire a missile? “Our common struggle.” Some random militia in Africa waves a Russian flag? “Proof of global support.” Meanwhile, back home, the only blitz anyone’s seeing is the one on Telegram when another batch of mobilized conscripts gets sent to the front with a rusty AK and a prayer. The regime can’t even blitz a pothole, but sure, let’s pretend they’re masterminding Red Sea geopolitics from a bunker in Rostov.
And let’s talk about this “strategic control” over Bab-el-Mandeb. Yeah, it’s a big deal for shipping, but the way Russian TV tells it, you’d think the Houthis are about to blockade the Suez Canal with a couple of fishing boats and a meme. “Now we control the world’s trade routes!” bro, you can’t even control your own border with Kazakhstan. The only thing getting blockaded in Russia is the truth, and maybe the next shipment of imported cheese. But sure, let’s pretend a bunch of Iranian proxies holding a rock 20km from Africa is the end of the Western order.
The funniest part? The Kremlin’s whole flex here is “look, our friends can win wars!” Like, congrats, you found someone who can actually advance more than 100 meters in a day. Maybe ask the Houthis for tips, because your own army’s best maneuver is a tactical retreat to the nearest liquor store. The regime is so desperate for a win, they’ll claim credit for anything that makes NATO look bad, even if it’s a bunch of guys in sandals with more goats than tanks. It’s like watching a guy who failed gym class brag about his cousin’s marathon time.
But let’s not kid ourselves. The only reason this gets airtime is because it’s a distraction from the absolute clown show happening at home. Russian TV needs a win, any win, even if it’s not theirs. Because if they actually showed what’s happening on their own front lines, half the country would be asking why their sons are getting sent to die for a couple of burnt-out villages and a medal made out of recycled Lada parts. So instead, it’s wall-to-wall coverage of “strategic victories” in Yemen, Africa, Mars, wherever - just don’t look at the casualty lists or the price of eggs.
And the vatniks eat it up. “See, the West is losing!” Sure, buddy, meanwhile your own government is busy raising the draft age and inventing new ways to call up pensioners without saying the word “mobilization.” The only thing getting blitzed in Russia is the ruble. But hey, as long as someone, somewhere, is sticking it to the Americans, who cares if your roads are made of potholes and your hospitals are held together with duct tape and prayers?
Let’s be real, the Kremlin’s obsession with proxy wars is just projection. They can’t win their own, so they hype up every Iranian drone strike and every Houthi advance like it’s a Russian victory. It’s cope, pure and simple. They want to believe they’re part of some global anti-Western axis, but the only axis they’re spinning on is the one that leads straight to economic collapse and international punchline status. The “multipolar world” they keep talking about? It’s just a fancy way of saying “we lost, but maybe our friends can make you mad.”
So yeah, congrats to the Houthis for their 100km sprint. Maybe send a postcard to the Russian Ministry of Defense, they could use the morale boost. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be over here watching the Kremlin try to explain why their own “blitz” involves more funerals than victories and more excuses than working tanks. If you’re taking notes, the lesson is simple: when your own army can’t win, just claim someone else’s W and hope nobody notices the smell coming from your own backyard.
In the end, all this hype about Yemen is just another episode of “Look Over There!” from the world’s most insecure regime. The only thing Russia’s blitzing is the record for most failed offensives announced on TV. But hey, at least the propaganda machine is getting its steps in - those mental gymnastics must burn a ton of calories.
