We are all, at some point, called upon to be a guide for someone we care about. A friend, a family member, or a colleague comes to us with a heavy question, seeking a path forward. In these moments, our instinct is often to solve, to fix, to provide a clear, actionable answer. But the best advice rarely comes in the form of a prescription. It is an act of shared discovery.
The Hallmarks of Good Advice
Good advice is not a map, but a compass. It doesn't show the destination, but helps the person find their own bearings. It is characterized by a few key qualities:
- It Begins with Listening, Not Speaking: The most crucial part of giving advice happens before you say a single word. It is the act of deep, uninterrupted listening. The goal is not to hear the problem so you can solve it, but to understand the feeling behind the problem.
- It Offers Perspective, Not Prescription: Instead of saying "You should do X," good advice offers a new way to see the situation. It might be a story, a metaphor, or a gentle reframing. It illuminates the landscape so the person can see their own path, rather than telling them which one to take.
- It Empowers, It Doesn't Rescue: The goal of advice is not to save someone from their struggle, but to remind them of their own strength to navigate it. It is a vote of confidence in their own wisdom and resilience.
- It is Humble and Offered Without Attachment: Good advice is a gift, given freely. It is offered with the understanding that it may not be taken, and that's okay. The giver's ego is not tied to the outcome.
How to Cultivate the Skill
Getting better at giving advice is a practice of presence and humility. Here are a few ways to cultivate this skill:
- Practice Deep Listening: When someone speaks, listen for the emotion beneath the words. What are they truly feeling? Fear? Confusion? Resentment? Acknowledge that feeling first.
- Ask Illuminating Questions: Get comfortable with not having the answers. Instead, learn to ask questions that help the other person find their own. Questions like:
- "What's the story you're telling yourself about this situation?"
- "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
- "What does your intuition tell you, even if it doesn't make logical sense?"
- Tell a Story: Often, a well-chosen story or metaphor can unlock a problem more effectively than a direct solution. It allows the person to see their situation from a distance and draw their own conclusions.
- Embrace the Power of "I Don't Know": It is perfectly acceptable, and often very helpful, to admit when you don't have an answer. Saying, "I don't know what you should do, but I am here to listen as you figure it out," is a profound act of support.
What to Avoid
Just as important as knowing what to do is knowing what not to do. Be mindful of these common pitfalls:
- The "Fix-It" Impulse: Resist the urge to jump in with solutions the moment you hear a problem. This often shuts down the conversation and prevents the person from fully exploring their feelings.
- Making It About You: Avoid starting sentences with "Well, what I would do is..." or "That happened to me once, and I..." While sharing personal experience can sometimes be helpful, it can also unintentionally shift the focus away from the person seeking help.
- Minimizing Their Feelings: Phrases like "At least..." or "It could be worse..." are deeply invalidating. A person's feelings are their reality in that moment. Your role is to honor them, not to argue them away.
- Unsolicited Advice: The best advice is always invited. Offering your opinion without being asked can feel intrusive and disrespectful, no matter how good your intentions are.
Ultimately, giving good advice is not about being an expert in someone else's life. It is about being a compassionate, present, and humble companion on their journey. The greatest gift you can offer is not a map, but the quiet confidence that they are capable of finding their own way.
