It occured to me one of the reason I'm pissed about my plans being scrambled is the fact that I spent most of the last night not quite sleeping, but mostly reviewing the tiny alerts in my brain notifying me that I had plans today.
I don't know how to make this stop. It happens with any kind of novel obligation, no matter how minor. if it's not a usual task I have to perform at my leisure, it will find its way into my dreams. A dentist appointment. A ten minute doctor's call at 4pm. The more important the appointment (from video meeting to interview) the more my brain feels the need to ping me every half hour to remind me.
The freakiest part of this is that I will actually be asleep, but the stress will manifest itself physically. I will tense up in my sleep, grind my teeth, and wake up wondering why I have a headache and weird muscle pain in my hip. Part of that might be my medication, but it happens most often when I'm subconsciously fixated on something my awake-brain doesn't even care about.
Why am I like this? I have no idea. I can't think of an evolutionary mechancism that calls for paying attention to a need to be satisfied in the near future while asleep, except maybe my anxiety has enlarged a tiny task into an existential threat I have to be ready to confront. I do know that, along with being in the hormone oubliette (where I am simultaneously terrified of being forgotten but also kinda stoked about having my own little cave) means that if someone--anyone--causes an unscheduled impact on my plans, I become momentarily deranged.
Then it takes me a long time to burn off the resentment. Eventually I will come to a decision about removing my shoes. I think I'm going to keep them on and go to the cafe and work on something I can control, and probably won't have fucked up dreams about
