russian tv is losing its mind over the houthis’ 100km blitz in yemen, hyping it like its the second coming of guderian. meanwhile, the only thing moving 100km a day in ruzzia is a conscript’s mom looking for his grave. vatniks are drooling over this “port city capture” like its a masterclass, but really theyre just jealous someone else can actually pull off an offensive that doesnt end with a tank in a swamp and a general blaming the weather.
the houthis’ speedrun and the kremlin’s fantasy league
so heres the setup: the houthis, irans favorite proxy larp guild, just did a 100km dash in yemen, grabbed the port of al-mokha, and snatched perim island for dessert. now theyre flexing over the bab-el-mandeb strait, which is basically the suez canal’s little brother, a choke point for a fat chunk of global shipping. russian propaganda is losing its mind, acting like this is some kind of blueprint for “blitzkrieg done right.” meanwhile, the only blitz ruzzia’s pulling off is on telegram, where every day is a new “strategic regrouping” and the only thing getting encircled is the truth.
the kremlin is obsessed with this houthi speedrun because its pure cope. russian state media needs a win, any win, even if its not theirs. their own army cant cross a field without tripping over a mine or a bottle of vodka, so theyve outsourced their military fantasies to a bunch of guys in sandals with toyota technicals. the houthis move 100km in a day, and suddenly every z-channel is posting “look! real men! not like our generals who need three weeks to take a potato farm.” its projection, plain and simple. when your own army is stuck in a meat grinder, you start cheering for anyone who can actually move.
the vatniks are acting like they just discovered the secret to war, but the only thing theyve discovered is how to live vicariously through someone else’s w.
port seizures and borrowed glory
russian propaganda loves a good port seizure, probably because they havent managed one since crimea, and even that was more “walk in while nobodys looking” than “storm the beaches.” the houthis taking al-mokha is a big deal for yemen, sure, but the way russian media spins it, youd think they just captured new york. its all about the fantasy of strategic depth, control over trade routes, and “showing the west.” never mind that the russian navy can barely make it out of sevastopol without getting hit by a drone boat. in their heads, theyre running the red sea now, vicariously, through a bunch of guys who probably cant even spell “bab-el-mandeb” in cyrillic.
the kremlin loves to hype up its “multipolar world” buddies, especially when those buddies are sticking it to the us or blocking western shipping. the houthis are basically irans sock puppet, and every time they make a move, russian media acts like its a win for team anti-west. never mind that russia’s own proxies are mostly good at looting washing machines and getting lost in ukrainian forests. the houthis actually get shit done, so the kremlin latches on and pretends its all part of the same big anti-nato family. its like watching the kid who never wins a race brag about his cousin’s gold medal.
the only thing russia’s blitzing these days is its own population with propaganda.
blitzkrieg cosplay and tactical delusions
lets talk about the actual operation. the houthis did a 100km push in less than two days, took a strategic port, and grabbed an island that lets them threaten one of the world’s busiest shipping lanes. thats not nothing. its a real military achievement, especially in a place like yemen where the roads are trash and the air is full of drones. but the russian spin machine turns it into some kind of universal law: “see? blitzkrieg is possible! you just need willpower and no nato!” meanwhile, back in ukraine, russian columns are still getting lost in sunflower fields and calling it “elastic defense.”
the funniest part is how russian propaganda tries to draw lessons from this for their own war. every z-blogger with a telegram channel is suddenly an expert on desert warfare, talking about “operational tempo” and “deep maneuver.” bro, you cant even keep your supply lines open past the first village, and youre out here giving ted talks on mobile warfare? the only thing moving fast in russia is the ruble, and its all downhill.
russian tv loves to point out that perim island is just 20km from africa, like that means theyre about to launch an amphibious assault on djibouti or something. in reality, it just means the houthis can lob some mortars at passing ships and maybe annoy the saudis. but in the kremlins fever dream, its the opening move in world war iii. theyre obsessed with “controlling chokepoints,” probably because the only chokepoint they actually control is the line outside the lada dealership.
ukraine fantasies and the limits of cope
the cherry on top: the whole thing is presented as a model for how to “break the stalemate” in ukraine. as if the russian army is just one 100km dash away from taking kyiv. newsflash: the only thing youre taking at that speed is a one-way trip to the nearest pow camp. the houthis arent fighting a modern army with drones, himars, and satellite intel. theyre fighting a bunch of saudi-backed militias who cant even agree on which flag to fly. try that blitz in zaporizhzhia and see how far you get before youre fertilizer.
russian media is already fantasizing about “applying houthi tactics” to the donbas. yeah, good luck with that. the only thing youre applying is another coat of whitewash to the casualty numbers. every time the regime needs to distract from another failed offensive, they just point to some proxy halfway across the world and say, “see? its possible!” meanwhile, the actual russian army is busy fortifying the border with belarus in case the potatoes revolt.
its all part of the same delusion: that russia is still a military superpower, that victory is just around the corner, that the west is trembling at the sight of a port changing hands in yemen. in reality, the only thing trembling is the average russian conscript, hoping his boots last another week. the regime sells these stories because the truth is too grim: the “second army of the world” cant even hold what its got, let alone pull off a 100km blitz. so they borrow someone else’s win, slap a z on it, and call it a day.
reality check: proxy wars and propaganda reruns
meanwhile, back in the real world, the houthis are doing what they do, fighting for their own reasons, in their own war, with their own tactics. its not some universal lesson for russia, its not a blueprint for victory in ukraine, and it sure as hell isnt proof that “blitzkrieg” is back on the menu. its just another day in the endless mess of middle eastern proxy wars. but try telling that to the kremlins talking heads, who are too busy drawing arrows on maps and pretending theyre in command of something bigger than a tv studio.
so next time you see russian media drooling over a “100km advance” or a “port city captured,” just remember: its all borrowed glory. the only thing russia’s blitzing these days is its own population with propaganda. the real lesson here isnt about military genius, its about how far the regime will go to avoid looking in the mirror. when your own army cant move, you start cheering for someone else’s. thats not strategy, thats pure cope.
watching the kremlin try to spin a houthi desert sprint into a masterclass for the russian army is like watching a guy with a flat tire lecture formula 1 drivers. entertaining, sure, but nobodys buying it except the people who have to. the rest of us are just here for the show, popcorn in hand, waiting for the next episode of “how not to win a war.”
russian tv: we could totally do that, we just dont want to. reality: you couldnt blitz a potato field with a map and a prayer.
